My mom jokes that I should have been named after my paternal grandmother, Cathryn. We called her “Dear”. My grandmother was this short, fierce, super smart woman. She was known to “suffer no fools”. She’s the one you’d go out to restaurants with and heaven forbid you get her order wrong or conjugate a verb improperly in front of her. She was a teacher and she strongly believed in education. She was very generous, but didn’t want to take any credit for it unless you didn’t give her credit. So my mom has always joked that I was like her because I am strong-willed, pigheaded and I “suffer no fools”.
I’ve always been surrounded by strong women. The “strong woman” identifier is an interesting one because when you hear the phrase “strong woman”, you assume that they can carry the world. “Strong women” can carry burdens seamlessly, effortlessly, and don’t allow their own emotions to stop them from getting the job done. But sometimes I think that deifies a women in a way that is burdensome. If you want to be considered a “strong woman” you can exhibit no signs of weakness.
Most girls want to be strong women, especially if you had a single mom like I did for many years. You see your mom just handling it. Society has made showing emotion, compassion, crying or being overwhelmed – things that are natural- seem like weakness. Sometimes, we don’t allow ourselves those moments of vulnerability, especially black women. We don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable because we’re supposed to be “strong”.
Sometimes, we don’t allow ourselves those moments of vulnerability, especially black women. We don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable because we’re supposed to be “strong”.
For a very long time, I had very close friends who I never told about the worst parts of my life. My dad disappeared when I was 17 and we didn’t reconnect for 8 years. That was something I was very embarrassed about because I didn’t want anyone to pity me or feel sorry for me. That’s always been me; even when things are going badly, I want people to think I’m strong. Sometimes, we aren’t vulnerable about things in life that aren’t all together and I think that’s a human trait. I think most humans like to put their best face forward.
I was just talking to my co-worker about how we should do an Instagram series with people not at their best moments. For example, there would be a picture of me sitting at my desk crying because I’m overwhelmed or of someone after they just got passed over for a job promotion. Of course no one would do that and the series would never take off because it’s not a natural thing to let people see the not put together parts of you. A lot of that has to do with the idea of strength.
For so long, black people and black women in particular have had to have a certain kind of strength. To survive your children being sold from you, that requires a strength that I will never know. To stop your infant from crying as you’re trying to escape from slavery or looking at your child hanging from a tree, those are certain kinds of strengths that black women have had no choice but to take on. Society has not allowed black women to be vulnerable. So, I love the self-care and therapy, happening because I think it’s important. Too often we don’t talk about it.
Society has not allowed black women to be vulnerable. So, I love the self-care and therapy, happening because I think it’s important.
It’s a life-long journey to navigate away from the “strong black woman” trope. My relationship with my boyfriend is helping me a lot. I’m realizing that you can’t really stand on your own. Intimacy requires vulnerability. My group of girlfriends are helping as well. As you counsel your girlfriends, there is always a time for you to also be counseled. So intimacy also requires an exchange. One person can’t be totally vulnerable and the other person’s closed off. That’s not how you build friendships.
It’s not second nature for me to be vulnerable. One aspect of my life – my career – has always been settled and I’ve always been pretty good at it. There’s this impression that I’m confident – which I am – but when I actually have moments of doubt or indecision, I don’t think people take me as seriously. There are moments when I say I’m really overwhelmed and just am not able to be optimistic. I think it’s important that we take our friends seriously when they exhibit behaviors outside the norm or what is expected of them. I think we need to allow ourselves the space to have indecision, doubt or fear. It should never cripple you but I think those moments are good and healthy.
I think it’s important that we take our friends seriously when they exhibit behaviors outside the norm or what is expected of them. I think we need to allow ourselves the space to have indecision, doubt or fear.
